The last 2 weeks have been jam packed with fun, but I must admit, it catches up with me and hits a lot harder than I expect it to! Giving up my nap makes for a long afternoon and evening, but despite my fatigue, I still stay up too late and then lie in bed sleepless for who knows how long! I seriously think that my days of sleeping are long gone and never to return! Yet, morning comes, my little Noah wakes and shares his “dreams” (always of horses and elephants, though this week he added in kangaroos), and that fabulous cup of coffee helps lift me out of bed!
Though I missed blogging for my 23 weeks, the week before was quiet uneventful. (except for my Surprise Visit and weekend of fun!) I did a lot of reading and research about retained placentas and placenta accreta, and I felt better after understanding the risks. I also did some overall soul searching, processing my thoughts and feelings, and answering some of my own questions and fears. I am so grateful to have amazing women in my life to talk to. So grateful that I can sit down with my pen and paper and sort out my thoughts and feelings. Our culture had created a certain perspective of pregnancy, birth and the process. When you don’t quite fit into that mold, it can sometimes be a very uncomfortable place. Feeling like you always have to explain yourself, defend your decisions, and have your feelings written off as irrational, illogical or just flat out dumb! In the end though, my feelings are my feelings and no matter how many times people discount them, they aren’t just going to go away. Again, I am eternally grateful to have found such an amazing birth community that both validates me and allows me to process my reality with out judgment! Here is a HUGE THANK YOU to all of you wonderful women!
I am constantly told by others, “the ultimate goal is to deliver a happy healthy baby and have a happy healthy mama, nothing else matters.” I believe in half that statement. Yes, like everyone else, I want a safe delivery for me and baby! But to say, that the end result is all that matters is all that matters, is both naive and a very, very wrong. The journey, the process, the experience, the emotions… all of it matters! All of it determines the end result. How I get to that end is going to determine just how happy and healthy both of us are. While I am again learning the true meaning of powerlessness, I am also learning that I am very powerful, strong and capable. I am constantly asked to make decisions that will better me and my family, and they are not choices I take lightly. I believe, with all my heart, that in order for this baby and me to have the “happy-healthy end result,” I need to be an active participant in my maternity care, in my birthing choices, in my delivery and in my postpartum. I will continue to ask questions, continue to make my wishes known, and demand the mother-baby friendly care that we deserve. All the while, I will also remain open and accepting of the fact that despite all my planning, BIRTH IS UNPREDICTABLE! I will trust in my team to keep baby and me safe. No matter how this baby comes into the world, in the end there will only be a happy healthy baby and a happy healthy mama if; i knew all my options, made all of my choices with confidence, and gave only my very best!
That being said, this last week I met with an OB/GYN, Dr. Klikoff, and it went really well. She had no new or shocking information for me, and seemed very supportive of the birth I am hoping to have. Unlike most OB’s, she sat with me on a “consult” for nearly 2 hours! At no point did I feel rushed, or stupid or judged, she sat and talked to me as if I were a an equal. We got out some books to look up specific answers, we shared funny childhood stories and parenting ideas, and probably could have kept right on talking if Noah didn’t fall apart! In the end, I made an official appointment with her so I can establish myself as one of her clients. We also scheduled an ultrasound for 28 weeks, which is my deadline to make a decision as to whether or not I want her to deliver our baby! Short story, she can’t take me on as a patient from a home birth practice after the 28 week mark (politics suck).
What about the 28 week mark will help me make up my mind? Ultimately, it’s the ultrasound. Having Dr. Klikoff take a look at my placenta and uterus and measure just how far away from my cervix the placenta is will help me (and my birth team) decide if a home birth is still a safe option for me. It is a relief to know that I dont have to make up my mind RIGHT NOW!” I have some time to process my feelings & my fears, and to continue asking questions….another 4 weeks to be exact! So, that about wraps up my insane pregnancy ramblings for the last 2 weeks! 
and it felt really good to get it all out!
As for the other things we did over the last 2 weeks…………John Mayer Concert and a family visit, a home birth lunch with some awesome mamas, dr. appointment, appointment with Sunshine (and adorable little Penny), a disastrous therapy session (noah cried through the entire thing), and a FABULOUS day at the beach with Justine, Lisa, Jasper and Christine! The baby thinks he is a Jujitsu Master and is more active than I can remember Noah ever being in the womb! I hope it is not a glimpse into a future! I can now see the kicks from the outside, and laugh every time. It is so beautiful and strange to feel a human kicking me from the inside and then watching my belly jump and thump in unison. Making humans has got to be in my top 3 favorite things!
You have such a great attitude about everything! Thanks for your positive spirit, it’s contagious! I hope you have a homebirth, willing it is safe enough, but you’re in good hands with Klikoff.
-Amy
Your honesty is very refreshing and I’m sorry if i though some of your decisions were “hippy”